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ARE MEN AND WOMEN FROM DIFFERENT PLANETS?
How many times have we heard men say: I'll never understand
women...women are so illogical...why do women talk so much...why do
women talk about their problems and never do anything about it?
I am quite sure that most of you, when confronted with such
comments, feel like saying: I am not at all illogical. There is a
perfectly good reason for my behaviour. I am not 'just' talking, I
am communicating and sharing my emotions. Simply talking about a
problem makes me feel better.
To us women it all makes perfect sense. There is nothing to be
explained. But for men, it is a completely different story...
Equally, we don't understand why men tend to withdraw and go silent
every now and then, or why when we need help they don't always offer
to help us unless we ask them, or why they get so grumpy when we
offer advice.
Well, the explanation is so obvious that it nearly goes without
saying: we are different!!!!
But some people seem to forget this fundamental truth and rather
than trying to make an effort to understand the other person, they
simply come up with unconstructive comments.
Differences between men and women and learning to understand each
other are the themes explored in the famous book "Men are from Mars,
Women from Venus" by John Gray. Below are some of the observations
presented in the book.
1. Men and women are different and we cannot expect the
opposite sex to be more like ourselves. This is an underlying
concept that we always have to bear in mind. We must NOT assume that
since our partner loves us s/he will react, feel and behave in the
ways that WE react, feel and behave.
2. One of the most common complaints that women have about
men is that they don't listen. They either completely ignore the
woman when she speaks to him, or he listens to her for a while and
then comes up with a set of solutions to make her feel better. But
when he does this, she gets frustrated or even angry and comments
that he is not listening. He then gets confused and does not
understand why she is not happy with him. He has come up with some
solutions, hasn't he? BUT SHE DID NOT ASK FOR SOLUTIONS, she just
wanted him to listen. SHE WANTED EMPATHY. In the book, this tendency
of men for trying to fix things has earned them the amusing nick
name of Mr-Fix-It.
3. One of the most common complaints that men have about
women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman
loves a man she wants to assist him in growing and tries to improve
the way he does things. She forms a what the book calls
"home-improvement committee". Whilst she thinks she is looking after
him and suggesting things for his own good, he feels controlled and
undermined and tries to resist these ever-persisting attempts at
'improving' who he is. HE DOES NOT WANT UNSOLICITED ADVICE, HE WANTS
ACCEPTANCE. If he wants advice, he will ask for it.
4. When under stress, men go to their caves and women talk.
Indeed, this is one of the biggest differences between our two
sexes. We cope with stress differently. Men become withdrawn whilst
women want to talk. Men may come home after a long day at work and
want to relax and unwind by reading something or watching the TV.
They just want to forget about their problems for a while. Women, on
the other hand, may come home equally stressed or tired and want to
find relief by talking about the problems of their day. A guy may
think that his girlfriend/wife talks too much, whilst she feels
totally ignored. Unless men understand that women feel better by
talking about their problems, they will continue to resist
listening. By the same token, unless women understand that men are
not ignoring them but simply trying to relax or solve their own
problems by withdrawing into their cave, they will feel that they
are personally being ignored.
5. Men are like rubber bands. This metaphor represents the
male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away
and then getting close again. From a woman's perspective this
behaviour seems rather illogical because if you love someone, why
would you be pulling away from that same someone? And why should
anyone expect that the partner will be waiting patiently for the
rubber band to spring back? No woman would ever assume that. But men
do. They just pull away, not intentionally nor maliciously; they
just do. However, if misunderstood by the woman, this intimacy cycle
can lead to frustration and create problems. Women should not take
it personally nor try to run after the partner. The guy will just
come back naturally. But if she keeps running after him, he will
just pull away even more.
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