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It has been estimated
that approximately one in ten new spouses experiences feelings of
depression after the wedding. In some cases this depression lasts
for months, leaving the newly wed with many doubts about whether
getting married was indeed the right thing to do.
However, it is not
surprising that people face quite a severe anticlimax after the
exciting and buzzing months spent in preparation of the wedding. The
invites, the dress, the decorations, the ceremony, the cake, the
party, the gifts, the honey moon and so forth take up a lot of
energy to organise (and money!) to ensure that everything runs
smoothly on the wedding day, a day that most women fantasise about
since their early years. The months before the wedding are indeed
electrifying (and often stressful!) and people run on adrenalin.
But what happens when
the honeymoon is over and the exhilaration of the previous months
has gone?
As for most things in
life, it depends on the expectations that people had before
marriage. If the expectations were unrealistic or based on a fantasy
rather than reality, then it is highly likely that dissatisfaction
and sometimes depression will set in. Needless to say, it is very
important to discuss ones’ expectations about married life before
actually getting married. A sincere and honest discussion would give
both individuals the opportunity to understand what is realistic and
what is not. If no such discussions took place before getting
married, it is never too late to have these discussions after
getting married and look for a compromise.
It is also important to
understand what being married means to both people in the couple.
Some people may think that once married they no longer need to make
the effort to be in good shape, or to surprise the other person with
all the little attentions that they were giving them before getting
married, or that now that they are married they can concentrate on
their career and almost forget about their partner. Once again,
rather than bottling up anger and resentment, an honest dialogue
would help both people find out how the other person is feeling. You
will find that very often people slip into a behaviour without even
realising it, which could be a wife not taking the same type of care
for her appearance after the marriage and the husband not paying her
enough romantic attention. Sometimes it is difficult to say who
neglected who or what first (and it is not even important!), but a
clear discussion would help both people see the situation from each
other’s point of view.
But if rather than
talking and seriously trying to understand what is going on people
bottle up resentment and simply snap at each other or keep moaning
about their partner, then nothing constructive can follow.
Settling into married
life can take time, but with love, respect, understanding, patience
and often some degree of effort, marriage can work and can be very
fulfilling and rewarding.
It is important to remember that things don’t need to be perfect all
the time. Forget the fairy tales: they were fairy tales. In real
life, both husband and wife will need to find a compromise to make
things work, whilst at other times one of them (in turn) will need
to give in. Although absolute perfection in a couple may not be
achievable, harmony is.
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